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Coldplay’s Chris Martin Issues Pre-Jumbotron Alert — Please Hide Your Affairs Accordingly

Madison, Wisconsin — Coldplay frontman Chris Martin isn’t just singing about stars anymore — he’s throwing shade at scandalous fans one stadium at a time.

At Saturday night’s packed show at Camp Randall Stadium, Martin paused before launching into the now-notorious “Jumbotron Song” with the kind of wink-nudge warning usually reserved for bachelorette parties and undercover FBI stings. “We’re going to use our cameras and put some of you on the big screen,” he told the crowd, grinning like a man who knows exactly what chaos can unfold. “So, please, if you haven’t done your makeup, do your makeup now.”

Translation: If you’re currently canoodling with someone not listed on your HR paperwork as “spouse,” now’s the time to social-distance.

The warning wasn’t random. Just days earlier, Coldplay’s camera crew unintentionally turned a previous concert into a corporate ethics seminar when they zoomed in on a cuddly couple who suddenly leapt apart like they’d been hit with a lawsuit. The internet did what it does best — sleuthing — and quickly identified the duo as Andy Byron, CEO of tech company Astronomer, and Kristin Cabot, the company's HR chief and, presumably, now a big fan of blackout curtains and burner phones.

Byron is now “pursuing new opportunities” (translation: unemployed), while Cabot remains at Astronomer under what we assume is the world’s longest side-eye from the legal department.

Meanwhile, Martin kept it classy, cheeky, and ever-so-British. No direct digs, just a playful jab dressed up as a friendly PSA — the concert equivalent of, “Darling, do check your fly.”

The “Jumbotron Song,” once a harmless, feel-good crowd favorite, now doubles as a cautionary tale about PDA and poor decision-making. As for the rest of us? Let this be a gentle reminder: if you're playing musical chairs with your love life, maybe don't sit front row center at a Coldplay concert. Or at least bring a very large hat.

And if you do get caught? Smile big — you’re probably trending already